Tuesday, December 1, 2009
On my way home from dropping the kids off at school this morning, I drove past a city park. The frost was clinging to the weeds in the field. Such beauty.
I pulled into the lot, and sat there for a long while.
Taking it all in...
Lately, I've been wrestling with myself. With my thoughts. With a little part of myself I've named "The Crazy." The Crazy changes its focus often. Sometimes The Crazy is worried about kidnappers. Sometimes mice. Sometimes lice. Sometimes cancer.
The worries are always real things. But the intensity with which I focus on them does not equal the odds of their occurrence.
I've been praying about The Crazy. I'm recognizing a pattern. When I pray about my fears, I'm always bargaining with God. "So if you promise to never give us lice, I will promise to always be obedient." (Or something to that effect.)
As if I can manipulate Him. Which I know that I can't. But I still can't shake those contingent prayers. "My life is Yours. But PLEASE don't let my kids get cancer." Somewhere along the way, I connected total obedience to horrible trials and tribulations. And because I am a control freak of nature, I try to bargain with the trials and tribulations that may or may not befall me. "You can have my arms amputated as long as my children stay safe from sexual predators."
(I am feeling REALLY exposed right now....but am hoping that someone will be blessed by The Crazy. So here's some more...)
Back to the city park: I sat there and prayed. "Lord, I want to be able to give myself completely to You. But I'm afraid. I'm afraid of what that will look like. Please don't let my kids get scabies."
UGH! I couldn't shut off that conditional trailing thought.
"Lord. Take away the worry. Come what may, just give me Jesus. Give me strength. Give me courage. Give me peace."
As I drove out of that parking lot, I think I might have run over Please don't let my house burn down and Help us to never get bed bugs.
And so far since, The Crazy has been pretty quiet. I'm glad. Because The Crazy almost completely eclipses The Joy.