Tuesday, December 1, 2009

The Crazy

On my way home from dropping the kids off at school this morning, I drove past a city park. The frost was clinging to the weeds in the field. Such beauty.

I pulled into the lot, and sat there for a long while.

Taking it all in...

Lately, I've been wrestling with myself. With my thoughts. With a little part of myself I've named "The Crazy." The Crazy changes its focus often. Sometimes The Crazy is worried about kidnappers. Sometimes mice. Sometimes lice. Sometimes cancer.

The worries are always real things. But the intensity with which I focus on them does not equal the odds of their occurrence.

I've been praying about The Crazy. I'm recognizing a pattern. When I pray about my fears, I'm always bargaining with God. "So if you promise to never give us lice, I will promise to always be obedient." (Or something to that effect.)

As if I can manipulate Him. Which I know that I can't. But I still can't shake those contingent prayers. "My life is Yours. But PLEASE don't let my kids get cancer." Somewhere along the way, I connected total obedience to horrible trials and tribulations. And because I am a control freak of nature, I try to bargain with the trials and tribulations that may or may not befall me. "You can have my arms amputated as long as my children stay safe from sexual predators."

(I am feeling REALLY exposed right now....but am hoping that someone will be blessed by The Crazy. So here's some more...)

Back to the city park: I sat there and prayed. "Lord, I want to be able to give myself completely to You. But I'm afraid. I'm afraid of what that will look like. Please don't let my kids get scabies."

UGH! I couldn't shut off that conditional trailing thought.

"Lord. Take away the worry. Come what may, just give me Jesus. Give me strength. Give me courage. Give me peace."

As I drove out of that parking lot, I think I might have run over Please don't let my house burn down and Help us to never get bed bugs.

And so far since, The Crazy has been pretty quiet. I'm glad. Because The Crazy almost completely eclipses The Joy.


kara said...

That's what I have 'The Crazy'!!

Shell in your Pocket said...

I could so relate to the things that you think about...cancer..lice...so there!
sandy toe

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing this Katie. I have "The Crazy" more often than not and I catch myself when praying saying "Please Lord, if you do this for me I promise to ..." It is good for me to hear that someone like you (who has been a faithful follower for many years) has those same types of thoughts and prayers! So thank you for letting me know I'm not the only one that has those feelings/thoughts/prayers! I feel more 'normal' now! :) Love you.

Nonna said...

The crazy gene is in our blood...but thankfully Jesus can take it away

: ) I'm still working on it too.


the lady of the house said...

Sweetie girl - you are far from the lone ranger on this one and know we all battle with what if's... so frustrating to know God is control but still feel like we can't quite give him all our trust or feel like well... maybe he'll make a deal w/ me - I find I start feeling this way when I watch too much news for one thing and number two I don't listen to my positive encouraging christian music - Music just does it for me! Chin up ;) & I'm here for ya!

NLWilliams said...

Trusting what is true and what is real -- isn't that the bedrock of spiritual warfare --
this is such a great post -- I totally related to it -- you have quite a way with words and I have enjoyed reading your blog.