Sunday, January 30, 2011

her big brown eyes

I went to a concert with my mom and my girl the other night. At one point, my girl looked at me. And her eyes....big and brown and round. She was at once both the 8 1/2 year old she is right now, and the baby that she will always be in my heart. Those eyes.

I remembered the night before her first birthday. One whole year had come and gone. She would never be my tiny girl again. I cried. Hard. I woke up my sleeping husband. "She's going to be one." He didn't feel it like I did.

I was two years into a four year interior design program when she was born. Before I met her, I was sure I could keep pushing towards the career of my dreams. And then we met. My baby. My girl. My mom watched her for me while I attended classes. It worked. I tucked the pain of leaving her in my back pocket and finished another year.

The summer between years 3 and 4 of the program -that I worked so hard to get into- required an internship. I applied to a few places and was so excited to be hired to one that paid money.

That night before her birthday, I felt the sting of all that would be required from me that summer. All the time away. From the child that was no longer a baby. My girl. Growing so fast I could almost see it happening. I thought about just calling this place to tell them I couldn't do it. Quitting. Before I began.

But I couldn't.

We had sacrificed so much to get to where we were, and this internship would only be for a summer. But that summer turned into more. The 4th year in that program (my 6th college year) was busy with school-work and work-work. And I saw my girl at the end of the day. I put her to bed each night. And dressed her each morning. But the in between wasn't hers and mine. It was hers. And mine. Separately.

Everyday I sat at my desk I thought about how I would rather be sitting with her. I pressed forward, though, with that pain tucked away deep. I could still feel it.

And then, in an unexpected turn of events, we were expecting.

It was then I knew. There was no way.... way for us.

No way for me to tuck those feelings away any longer. It was time to tuck "my career" away.

That was almost seven years ago. I can feel that career being tucked away, but it doesn't feel feels good.


redeemed diva said...

That is such a beautiful post.
Thank you

Living A Bona Fide Life said...

love, love!

Flower Patch Farmgirl said...

Aren't we funny sometimes, with all of our plans? And then the eyes come in and sweep it all away and all we can do is smile and love our life. :)

Tracey said...

What sweet thoughts! Thanks for sharing your heart!

Amy Sullivan said...

Bounced over from Chatting at the Sky.

Oh, this post resonated with me. Beautiful words.

Mrs. MK said...

beautiful and true!

LLH Designs said...

So glad Emily listed your post! I loved every word. I work at home, but I have felt the years slip by too quickly...and the work increases every year. So I'm taking a break...a step back...a leap of faith. And it feels really good.

Blessings to you as you honor the Lord in motherhood!

Shannon said...

Plans. lol.
I thought I was going back to work after I had the twins. lol. I laugh so hard right now. I was scouring this town for daycares. Didn't work out. He had other plans and now I am on year 5 of being a SAHM. And I love it. Not always. But I wouldn't have it any other way.
-Shannon in Austin

NLWilliams said...

i had my moment when my second turned 1 -- i tore myself away from the vital "work" i was doing and settled down to the work my heart begged me to do.
it took a year for me to forgive myself for staying home and i still struggle to forgive myself for not staying home earlier.
this was a great post.

Kate said...

Katie... wow. It's Kate from the "art party." :) This post took my breath away... literally. I work as a part time teacher, and as I told you, I'm having a very difficult time being back. This spoke volumes to me... *tears*... It's amazing to read something that feels like it's reading my own thoughts right back to me...