rocket science

I got to see some gals from back home last weekend. It was a blast. So much fun to catch up. Good food. Fun times.

I had to drive a little to get myself to brunch. On the way, I passed many a field. Many. A. Field.

And I started thinking.

I don't think I've ranted on this topic here before. It's not necessarily a passion of mine....or a call I feel towards social activism. Perhaps a call to common sense? To The Greater Good. To Thinking About Thy Neighbor.

Where am I going with this?

Good question.

I live in the lovely state of Minnesota. We have this thing here called No Net Loss. It's about wetland protection to put it completely plainly. Which is the only way I know how to put it. What it means is: if a big company, say Wal Mart, builds a gigantic store on land that had been protected or labeled as "Wetland", then they must pay for someone else or for themselves to put an equal amount of qualifying land that had not been previously categorized as "Wetland" into "Wetland." Which makes sense, right? Yes.

It's all well and good. Wetland is good. Good for wildlife. Good for everyone.

I have no problem with No Net Loss.

I have a problem with drain tiles. (Stay with me, this eventually ties together....sort of....)

Miles and miles and miles and miles of drain tiles.

I'm sure you've seen it.

This time of year, or any time of year when the ground isn't frozen or planted, you can drive yourself into the country and see farmers laying black plastic tubing into their fields. It keeps things dry helping to dispel standing water. Which is fantastic for farmers. Fantastic!

BUT!

Do you know what happens with water that once filtered into the ground slowly, that now quickly and efficiently funnels out of a field? It goes somewhere else. Like to the rivers and ditches and lakes and any other place that does not have drain tile.

All over my wonderful state we are experiencing record Springtime flooding. Where is all this water coming from the people wonder....hmmmm?

It's such a mystery.

Perhaps we could have something called No Net Gain? Maybe for every mile of drain tile placed in the ground a few gallons of worth of water withholding could be built? A lake? A diversion? Something?

Am I the only one who gets her undies in a bundle over problems that have seemingly simple solutions? I know we aren't the only place in the world with this problem. And don't get me started about the chemicals that have been ushered by drain tiles into the aquifers and rivers and lakes and streams and oceans.

random today

Today, I got to go to the store. ALL BY MYSELF. Alone. (There were other people in the store, it wasn't 4 am or anything.) But I was not with anyone personally. My children were home. With daddy. And! I only received one phone call! One EMERGENCY call. From my girl. About paper. About what kind of paper would be okay to use with a wiggly headed pen.

~~~~~

At first I wandered the aisles just enjoying the atmosphere. The muzak. The freedom.

And then, I started making new year's resolutions. About fiber. About adding more fiber into my family's diet. My husband is going to be SO thrilled to hear this important new development. I took my time reading labels, and filled my cart with all sorts of wonderful beans. Black beans! Refried beans! Kidney beans! Chili style beans! Ay, caramba! I also loaded up on ground flax seed, to sprinkle into everything I make. And, I bought some toilet paper. You know, for after the beans and flax seed.

*cough*

Then! I started thinking about new things. Trying new things. Getting my family to try new things. Getting my family to try new things without them knowing they are trying new things. (See ground flax seed above)


In the spirit of trying new things, I bought this:



It is not delicious.

I'm hoping to fare better with other new things.

no news would be good news

The media. Can you sort through it? What kind of filter does it take to find out the truth about current events? Seriously!

I don't care about Bradgelinla's babies. I don't need hype and drama. Give it to me straight. I don't care about personal interest stories. I don't need a Hollywood minute. I don't want to walk away from a news program (or article) knowing for whom the reporter and editor and producer will be voting. I don't want spin. I don't want bells and whistles. And for the love of all things Holy, please, make sure the anchor woman is dressed professionally. There is no place for decolletage in reporting. It doesn't matter to me if the reporters are attractive. I would like for them to be able to read the teleprompter. Is that too much to ask?

The whole "fair and balanced" thing is ridiculous. We'll have some people way on the left, spinning the news their way, and some way on the right, spinning the news their way...then you can stir them together, and come up with a crude amalgamation of the two---the truth lying somewhere in the mix.

I'm sick of it. Sick of scare tactics. Sick of the morning news becoming more and more like a television tabloid. Sick of actors promoting their latest movies. Sick of authors trying to sell their books. I don't need Good Morning America telling me about the hot new look for fall. And when did we start wanting to end a news broadcast with a concert from the latest "it" artist? It's the news!

If I want a good recipe, I'll look in a cookbook.

If I want fashion advice, I'll pick up a copy of Vogue.

If I want to be frustrated, knowing less about the world, and more about fluff, I'll park myself in front of the television at 9am, 6pm, and 10pm.

If you know of a good place to find out honest and accurate information on the economy, national security, politics, and relevant current events, PLEASE point me in the right direction.

To the lady in the express lane at the grocery store last night

Dear Very Important Lady,

I can see that you are someone to be reckoned with. And even though your casual clothing suggested otherwise, I'm guessing you to be a brain surgeon.

It was clear in the 5 minutes you spent in the express lane, with your 20 items (we all know they don't really mean 10 or less...especially for the most important people....with coupons) that you need to be readily available by phone 24/7. It must be horrible to have to be on your phone while you are shopping. And such a drag to be SO important that you can't even set your phone down while the check out girl rings you through. By the way, it was so rude of her to give you your total, and to try and tell you that you had $.09 off of gas. Couldn't she see you were on the phone?!

After your purchase was complete, none of us minded that you needed to organize your receipt into that special corner of your purse. And I can see that it's difficult to situate your wallet just right in that purse as well. Every thing is harder for me, too, when I'm trying to keep my phone pinched between my shoulder and my ear. It's an awkward dance. We all know that no one relinquishes their place at the cash register until they are completely finished with their transaction. I understand that, as a brain surgeon, you have an end of shopping regimen. A well orchestrated, slow motion process of putting all things in order before you are off on your way.

I do have one piece of advice for you. You know that gum you were chewing? I really think if you tried just a little harder, you could smack it much, much louder. Because we all know the REALLY important brain surgeons that need to be on their phone at all times chew their gum very loudly.

Sincerely,

The girl two people behind you with only one item

Must haves

Have you seen these? WoodWick candles. They're just SO wonderful. Really.

I have had this one lit everyday (14 hours) for the past 3 days. It smells fantastic. And! I can smell it all around my house. When I open the door, this is the smell that greets me. This one is "Cashmere." (Which makes me think of that one Seinfeld episode....cashmere! Cashmere!! CASHMERE!!!)

The best part about these beauties is the wooden wick. It makes the greatest fireplace-y sound. Crackle crackle. And they burn completely down...no wasted wax. Hands down, the best candle in the world. (Yes, I am this lame.)

I got mine at my favorite store in the whole world. The home of my favorite mugs of all time.

Myth busted

Cocoa butter prevents stretchmarks. Every pregnant lady MUST have this staple in her beauty arsenal.

Uh huh.

When I was pregnant with my first, I dutifully and liberally applied this wonder lotion EVERY DAY. Things went really well. For the first 7 months. And then they came.

One fine morning I awoke to a round tummy that really closely resembled a water melon. Stretch marks appeared over night. What a rip off! I believed the lies! Those lying liers. Cocoa butter does NOT prevent stretch marks. At least not if you are genetically predisposed to them. And if you are not predisposed to them, I don't want to know it. And I hate you.

And then with my second baby, I thought....well, perhaps a little more cocoa butter wouldn't hurt. You know? Maybe this time will be different. I've already got a water melon tummy, maybe this cocoa butter will save me from becoming more water melony. So I did it all over again. Same story. But baby number two grew larger, and was cooked 3 weeks longer than baby number one. And I ate a whole lot more mozzarella cheese sticks from Arby's with baby number two. So the cocoa butter did nothing for me. And just when you think there isn't room for any more stretch marks, somehow, the impossible is made possible. More appear. Great. Fabulous. COCOA BUTTER DOES NOT PREVENT STRETCH MARKS.

So here we are. Baby number three. Knowing what I know, you would think I wouldn't bother. Right? Wrong. I am bothering. Perhaps I have it all wrong....perhaps I am supposed to be EATING the cocoa butter?

a rant

Rules.

Are rules made to be broken? I would guess that the maker of the rules would say, no, they are not made to be broken. We all know that rules are in place to make life nastier and more complicated for everyone. (That was sarcasm.)

I can't tell you how many times I have seen "rules" being broken in the last month.

Socks must be worn in play area at all times. I overheard a grandfather telling his grandson in a playland, "Just put your socks on when you see the attendant walking around. You can take them off again when he leaves." WHAT!?! Thank you for teaching your prodigy how to break the rules. How to be devious. That should bode well for him in his delinquency. Not to mention the fact that all his foot germs are now mingling with the hands of kids enjoying the dinosaurs. Gross.

Do not leave children unattended. A different "playland." Look parents. The store doesn't put these tunnels and slides here so that you can enjoy kid free shopping. There isn't anyone watching your children when you leave. And how do you know that there isn't some creep waiting for you to round the corner? Knowing that there will be a good 10 minutes in which you won't be watching your precious ones. The rule is there for the safety of your children. They aren't trying to cramp your style.

No pets allowed. Lady. Yes your little dog is cute. But just because you have a jazzy purse to carry him in doesn't mean he is exempt from this rule. He is an animal. And it's gross to have him within 10 feet of produce. That rule is not to make Pooky feel scared and alone in the car. It's to keep my food free from grodies.

There are so many more. It's driving me bananas. Is it so hard to follow the rules? Could this be what ails society? A bunch of naughties breaking the rules? Just for the sake of rule breaking?

Not me. Not my family. We will obey the rules. Even the dumb ones.

PSA #2

When your daughter comes home from school yesterday with a lollipop, and keeps on saying, "L...llll...lollipop," over and over and over again, cover your son's ears. Because, he will get a hankering for a lollipop. And for the love of all things beautiful, do not assume after looking up lollipops on Martha's site that you can make them yourself at home. And believe your son when he says that homemade lollipops are yucky for his tummy. And when they said to use vegetable oil to coat the pan, they really meant vegetable oil. They did not say olive oil. Olive oil tastes gross with corn syrup. Really gross.

When you see how perfectly round the shapes of Martha's lollipops are in her lovely photographs, it's because her pans are flat. Completely. They don't buckle when something hot touches them. When your pans buckle, your lollipops will be shaped like Idaho. Or Russia, China...something....

And please. If you are going to make lollipops, check to be sure you have proper sticks. When you only can drum up 3 chopsticks, don't assume that you can just make 3 large lollipops. A lollipop is not intended to be larger than the head of the person consuming it.

Do not {DO NOT!} think it would be cute to use chocolate chips to make a face in your lollipops. Chocolate faces look creepy. Very creepy.

And if you think you should run your saggy lollipops under water to snap them into their correct crackly texture, know that your daughter will grab some napkins to dab up the drippy syrup sweating from the crackly lollipop. Thus ruining, the huge, creepy, gross lollipop.

Please drive through.

PSA

Coffee = Good

Cheese = Gooooood

Coffee + Cheese = Not so good

Public Service Announcement: Sunbeam Fluoresent Bulbs

We had a bit of a scare this morning, involving this light bulb.

My husband turned on the fixture, and the light shone dimly orange. Thinking it might brighten, he left it on for 15-20 minutes. Upon which, the bulb started to make popping and hissing sounds (like a coffee machine percolating) and then started to smoke. I ran to turn off the switch, and hollered for the husband. After the switch was turned off, the smoke stopped. We opened all the windows to try and clear the air of the smoke and the awful burnt plastic smell. (Gross! It's still lingering 3 hours later.)

My husband used a bag to remove the bulb from the fixture, and set bulb and bag on the counter. While it's been sitting there, some kind of brownish liquid has come out of the bulb. I don't know what it is, but it's nearly the color of coffee.

The liquid is coming out of these "vents."

There isn't a lot of the liquid, just a bit.

This is the bulb: Sunbeam 120V 60Hz 20W Fluorescent.

(Please excuse the excessive flash, it's gloomy here, and wanted to make sure the liquid would show up)

Well, the reason I'm even blogging about this is because I called Sunbeam. The first lady I talked to (very nice) gave me a different number to call. Called different number, and talked to a gentleman about my bulb. After listening to me recount the smoking incident, he told me that it is not uncommon for these bulbs to smoke off the C02 that has accumulated--or something to that affect. That they have run countless tests and that they are not a fire hazard. The smoking doesn't happen every time, and it isn't cause for alarm. He had never heard of any liquid coming out of them. He checked with a supervisor. There isn't any liquid in them to come out of them. Okay. So, I'm not quite sure how to explain the liquid that's coming out of mine. The fixture isn't wet, it isn't below any thing wet or leaking or liquid. Curious.

I had a few options for retribution. I could return it to the store I purchased it from, with the receipt (a bank statement would also have worked--so convenient and hassle~free), the original packaging (because I, like I'm sure all of you, hang on to random packaging in the event that something should go up in smoke), for a replacement.

Or.

I can mail it to them for a refund. I asked if they would provide me with a prepaid mailer. He checked. Nope. They don't have those kinds of things. That would be at my own expense. So, I can mail them a fluorescent bulb, which contains hazardous materials, which would cost...$6, $7, $8? For them to send me a refund on a $6 light bulb. No thanks.

I thought they might be interested in the numbers on the bulb, or perhaps would like the bulb to determine the type of liquid coming from the bulb. What if this is different than the "typical" smoke that comes from them? What if this bulb (made in China, btw) is defective and would have burned my house down had we not cut the power to it?

I thought about calling them back. But decided to talk about it here, instead.

So, my thoughts on these bulbs? I'm scared to death. They're {sometimes} expected to smoke when they burn out? That's normal? My house might smell like burnt plastic each time one expires? If only you could have seen the smoke. It wasn't gentle, innocuous smoke. It was black, thick, stinky smoke. I thought something had caught fire. I mentally ran through child evacuation while calling out to my husband, ran for the extinguisher, panic...

It was yucky. Very yucky. I don't want to go through that again. I don't want you to go through that. It isn't normal.

The Recall

Have you seen it? I'm sure you have. If you have children, you certainly need to see it. Thomas and Polly and Dora and Diego and Batman...Fisher Price?...it makes me sick to my stomach. Fisher Price toys are for teeny babes. Teeny babes put toys in their mouths!

Mattel's website has a letter for parents, "Because your children are our children." Um. No. My children are MY children. And because they are my children, I will be the one making their toys from now on. I can't trust you anymore. You say that you hope you don't have to recall any more products, but if you do, you'll do it swiftly. That makes me feel so much better about all the other toys we have...Made in China. Because we all know that China is at the forefront of safety and ethics. (BIG eye roll here).

I don't believe you when you say, "nothing is more important than the safety of our children." Unless by "nothing" you meant to say "nothing, (but profits)" are more important....clearly, the MOST important thing to you is your bottom line. We all understand that you are in business to MAKE money. You and everybody else. We get that. We understand mark ups, we know that if we want to pay you $5 for a toy, you'll need to find someone to make it for $.05.

My friends, those days are over at this house. No more $5 toys. No more little plastic trinkets, no more matchbox cars, no more Polly Pockets...it's JUST NOT WORTH IT. How do I know that the toys we bought 3 years ago are exempt from today's issues? I don't know. I chose to err on the side of safety. Because safety actually IS one of the most important concerns I have when it comes to my children.

Which brings me to my current project(s). Christmas 2007 will be the year of handmade gifts. I've been busy all morning sketching ideas. You know what? It's REALLY fun! And to think that one day, my kids might understand just how much I love them...just how important their safety is to me. Perhaps the REAL meaning of Christmas won't get all clogged up in the wrapping paper and plastic and cardboard and twist ties. Maybe, just maybe, they'll begin to understand that I love them SO much, but that God loves them even more...something that Mattel can't teach them.