Tuesday, December 6, 2011

wrestling fragile

I was in my car.  The radio pastor was not Joel Osteen, but his message was dangerously similar.  God doesn't just want to give me a roof over my head, clothes and food.  He wants to bless me with "things" - abundantly.  I know the verse.  I know the sentiment.  I can argue both sides and all around and back and forth and inside and out.  I can speak Christianese. 

Some Sundays as I'm sitting in church it is all I can do not to start shouting.  Our clothes are all beautiful.  Our parking lots filled with expensive vehicles.  Our homes...our stuff...our things.  We have been blessed abundantly. 

"And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus."

Sweet!  I hope Baby Jesus is going to bring me an iPad2 for His birthday. 




People.  PEOPLE!  How do we reconcile our wealth and the needs of the poor?  Do we only give once we have all the stuff we want?  Because God's hand of blessing is on us?  Do we sell everything we have?  Where is the middle ground between David Platt and Joel Osteen?  Why do we buy all these books?  Why do we pick one token "social issue"....

I have been wrestling.  With this and so many other things.  Church as a business.  Sinners.  All of us.  Sinning.  And loving.  And trying.  And failing. 

Wanting SO BADLY to wrestle this all out with someone.  Anyone.  Anyone that won't  pray a sermon over me.  As I know I have done to others.  (If I've done that to you, I'm so sorry.)  Why do we do that?  Why do I do that? 

I imagine myself in a conversation.  Puking this all out on someChristiansomeone.  And I already know the pat answers.  I can complete the entire dialogue (monologue) in my mind.  I already know.  The Christianese. We say the right things.  We gently rebuke.  We have the verse that supports our response.   

Can you have a conversation with someone and begin it with, "I already know I am judging others and that is wrong.  I already know that God is in control.  I already know that we are all sinners.  I already know that the poor will always be among us.  I already know...Grace!  Mercy!  Love!  Jesus! The Bible!  God!" 

Do I sound self righteous?  I am!  I am full of all kinds of sins.  I judge.  I have a log in my own eye.  I already know that!  I am on a slow burn to I'm not sure where....crazy?

...I sit here and simmer.  Afraid to say the words out loud.  I'm too fragile to face rebuke. 

I don't want a prayer sermon.  I just want God to be right here with me, so very close.  And maybe someone else who doesn't have the right answers.


Chrysanthemama said...

Good stuff, KS. I wish we lived closer so we could wrestle this out. It's been on my heart, too.

jessica said...

This is what I wrestle with, too. For the last year, and maybe more. I am feeling so convicted, myself, and as the Christian church. We spend much of our time doing activities with the people who think like us and act like us, yet there are so many people even in our own community that we don't love right or reach right. We plan outreach activities, and maybe a few come, but mostly it seems like it is our same families that go to all the church functions. There is a disconnect between what people need and what we give.

And then you can think about the money issue. That one kills me. And it KILLS me that I lack the courage or the faith to take huge steps to fix this in my life. Looking at a newer car right now!

What I do know is that God is stirring in my heart. He's working there, and has been on this issue for a long time. He is long-suffering, and I AM trying to listen and to change. I am looking for opportunities to just love people that I meet. That is a bit hard, because I feel busy and taken, if that makes sense, by my family. But there must be a way to do this as Jesus would want us to.

I'll have a conversation with you about this. My soul is crying for it! Over coffee, maybe.

Brambleberry said...

KM, I wish you lived closer, too.

Jessica. Yes. I would love to converse over coffee.

After I posted this I felt very much like a tantruming toddler...

Sort of:
*Here is my issue.
*Don't try and set me strait.
*Only let me stew in my juices.

I'm hoping you can see my heart through my babble.

poppa said...

God is moving in the hearts of His people, mom and I have sensed this also...to go deep, to stop play acting "christian" and living Christ in us, fleshing Him out. Whatever that means. 1437

Anonymous said...

I think this is on a lot of *Christians* hearts. More and more christians are the same pattern of the world and no different. We feel these things but do not do anything about them. Like change the way our perspective on life is. Or being obedient to what God is telling us, becuase we might be afraid of what we have to do for HIM. God blesses us with certain *things* to use for us Glory. Maybe He gives you a calling to take care of the orphans and widows (James:1:27)so He may bless you with a bigger house or car... The Ipad that is just a lifestyle change and we as christians need to get our priorities straight. How is this going to Glorify God? I love your babble as I struggle and fail everyday but God's Grace is sufficient and I am trying to change my pattern of this world. You are Loved, miss Katie.

Visty said...

Well, you know me...I think it's all random and nonsense as far as who gets the stuff and who gets born with AIDS in a third world country...what matters is what you are doing now. You can't save the world, but you can care and love in small concentric circles starting with the one right around yourself. You move one to your husband, to your children, another one to your neighbor, your community, and then maybe someone in need in your community. Then their circles can become wider around their own people and soon there's a chain of interlocking circles all over the world.