sewing

Have been wanting to get out the sewing machine for the longest time. But the days get away from me. And the machine remains untouched. Until yesterday. A girlfriend asked if I would be willing to sew a couple of simple curtains for her daughter's bedroom. Oh, girlfriend! You better know I'm willing to do that! It's like most things....it's easier to do them for someone else than to do them for myself.

I pulled out the machine this morning, and am laundering the material....it won't be long now, my sweet machine. Mama's getting ready.

I am so excited. It's been too long. Far too long.

I'm feeling a little more inspired than just curtains....I'm thinking those curtains will need a pillow. Or two. Or fifteen.

ahhhh

I'm sitting here, in my living room, in nearly complete silence....save for some gentle background music and the hum of the dryer.

I love this time of the day. The evening. It feels like a good long sigh.

fakin' it

I remember six months, give or take, after my second baby was born coming out of a fog. I hadn't really realized I had been in a fog....but the feeling I felt once it all lifted was amazing. I was more me. I had energy. I had hope. I had one heckuva messy house on my hands.

It's amazing the gunk that is hidden in the clouds of a fog. Like dust bunnies. And cobwebs. And moldy sippy cups under the sofa.

I resolved after that moment of realization to not allow myself to go there again. No excuses.

After baby number three, I braced myself for the cloud cover. But it never really came. Not like last time. I felt capable. I felt confident. I felt good. Until a few weeks ago. Something changed. Not a big change. A little change.

My lack of sleep started to catch up with me. My motivation for the small daily chores started to wane. The incessant talking of my wonderful four year old made me scream inside my mind. (I promise I'm not a crazy person. Really.)

Last night, I was doing some contemplating. Some contemplating life. My life. My kids' lives. It seems like just last week they were babies. They're not babies anymore. They're growing up. Fast. And while I'm muddling away in my melancholy, they are living out their childhood experience. And because I am such a dramatic freak of nature, I imagined them as adults, having coffee. My girl says to my boys, "Hey! Remember how much fun mom was when we were growing up?" and my boys say, "No." and my girl says, "Me, neither."

At which point reality smacks me across the soul and I make up my mind to suck it up. Get over myself. Start having some fun. Fun that isn't spelled: h-o-w-a-b-o-u-t-y-o-u-g-u-y-s-g-o-a-n-d-p-l-a-y-i-n-y-o-u-r-r-o-o-m-s-?

It's sort of amazing. Because I started faking it today, and just a few minutes in, it wasn't fake anymore.

trying to find the normal

I'm feeling sort of off. Lately. Can't quite put my finger on what ever it is that's off putting....


Although, these buns are certainly helping things.

a valentine miracle

I apologize if I made your head itchy this week. And I'm sorry I'm such a gigantic baby. I am fully aware that there are many many worse things to be inflicted with than lice. And, it seems really silly to have been SO WORKED UP when we didn't even get lice. Thank you, Jesus. THANK YOU, JESUS!

Lice is just one {of many} of my fears. I would rather have mice than lice. I would rather have bats then lice. I would rather have birds than lice. And that is saying something. ...although, birds would probably give us lice, or WORSE(!) scabies. I think I'm going to hyperventilate.

Deep breaths.

Deep breaths.

I'm totally aware that my reaction to this possible lice threat was way over the top. But, it was a learning experience. In my own pathetic way, it made me lean HEAVY on my Lord. I've been struggling lately with giving everything to Him. Feeling like there are certain areas that I'm happy to relinquish, and others that I like to control. Fearing that if I completely fling myself into God's hands, He'll give me cancer. Or give my kids cancer. Or something horrible. Which is stupid. Seriously. This is embarrassing to admit, but it's true.

Why would I fear? It's not like I can control anything anyway. Why do I keep trying?

Anyway, through this pathetic ordeal, I couldn't help but feel like giving up control would mean getting lice.

I would hop in my car, and the radio would only play songs that spoke about how I wasn't in this life alone. Pandora was giving me songs about the same thing. I am not alone. My God is enough. He is my strength.

Scripture would come to mind:
"I can do all things through Him who gives me strength."

"My yoke is easy and my burden is light."

.....and I was reminded that God DOES give us more than we can handle. So that we don't try to handle it all. Because He never said it would be easy. He only said we'd never be alone.

So the theme for the last week of my life was: my patheticness and God's amazingness.

Can you believe He loves me anyway?

Now THAT is a miracle.

and the day after that

Clean!

the following day

Clean.

Thank you, Jesus.

the next day, later

My girl came home from school. Same routine of washing clothes, backpack, winter gear. Bath asap. Then a complete head check.

Clean.

I'm feeling a lot less twitchy.

the next day

I walked my girl into the school today. Having washed everything that came home from school with her yesterday, as a precaution, I wanted to be sure it was going to remain uncontaminated today. (Please don't hate me. I didn't tell her that we don't want it contaminated....this is all going on in my mind. My beautiful mind. My crazy wonderful horrible mind.)

I met her teacher out in the hall, and, bless her, she is just as precautionary as I am. I feel reassured. A little.

In my mind, everything feels tainted. I'm sure that I have some sort of diagnosable condition when it comes to these compulsions. As we walked out of the school all the children were coming in, filling the halls. There was a lot of commotion as they went to their lockers to drop off backpacks and coats. I felt like they all had cooties. It's horrible. I know that they don't have cooties...but I have this nearly uncontrollable urge to wash all of our clothes after walking through the halls.

God bless educators.

Excuse me while I go and shave off my hair.

Sometimes, it seems that life just couldn't get any better....and then it does!

Conversely, sometimes it seems like it couldn't get any more stressful, and then your daughter brings home a note that says a child in her class has head lice. And your sanity begins to crack, just a tinchy bit.

And while your child doesn't have head lice, it *feels* imminent. So you quarantine her in the most loving way you know how, by sending her into the basement as soon as she enters the house. Where you get her undressed and wash all her clothes, backpack and lunch bag in the hot cycle. Twice. And you give her a bath. And you wash her bedding. In the hot cycle. Twice.

And you vacuum the whole house. Twice.

And you check every one's heads. 19,309 times.

And even though, no one has lice (yet) those cracks in your sanity start to get bigger.

And you think you might have to start homeschooling.

Or, you'll have to set your house on fire.

I am praying for the BIGGEST hedge of lice prevention. And will be very busy on guard the next several days. Weeks. Months. Years.

Calgon?

It's been one of those weeks. Little sleep. Little motivation. Lots of responsibility.

I'm just willing myself to keep going.

Keep putting the laundry in the machine.

Keep picking up the toys.

Keep vacuuming the house. (The Perler Bead love affair has ended.)

Keep on keeping on.

And tomorrow's Friday. Which means absolutely nothing when you are a mom. Your mom-ness doesn't stop for the weekends.