Monday, May 17, 2010

So here's the thing...

It either happened or it didn't.

Jesus was either a raving lunatic or He was fully God and fully man.

I remember in college having my faith COMPLETELY rocked. Completely. Where all the things I used to believe, no longer made sense. They seemed illogical.

My professor spoke about religion and how long ago - and even now - people need/ed to make sense of life and the world. So they created wild and fantastic stories. And those stories grew and evolved and become even more magical and wonderful. Too wonderful, it seemed.

People have weak minds. They need to cling to ideas that bring them comfort in the night. Grasping at anything to help when trials and tribulations abound. Imaginary. Pretend.

My mind couldn't pick up the broken remnants of my religion and put them back together.

And I was scared. What if I died? Then nothing? What if it had all been true, and I died in a state of disbelief?

Crap.

I had no idea what to do with myself. I tried and tried to reason things out. Nothing made sense anymore. I went to a book store and bought The Case for Christ. I read it. But it didn't restore my mind. Or my faith.

I prayed. And I prayed and I prayed. What surprised me was during that period of mental turmoil, I never felt alone. I know that sounds cliche. But it's true. It was this feeling of peace in my body, that I couldn't reach my head. I took my doubts to the Lord.

"Here's the thing, God. It doesn't make sense. I have all these questions. I can't reason them out. I don't get it. Help me get it."

Slowly. Very slowly, the pieces started coming back together. The more time I spent reading my bible, the more it all makes sense. The more I realize that God is big enough to handle my doubts. He alone.

It was a powerful realization. He isn't God because I believe in Him. He isn't not God because someone doesn't believe. He just is. No one can deny the fact that a man named Jesus was born into this world 2000 some years ago. One can't deny His existence. History is full of information about Him. He either was who He said He was, or He wasn't.

My believing in Him doesn't make Him who He is. But, my believing in Him makes me who I am. A flawed, weak, selfish sinner. Who He loves anyway. Doubts and all.

5 comments:

Cassie said...

AMEN!!

dad said...

the process of making your faith your own is a path each of us travel. The challenge as a parent is to learn and invite our children to ask questions about God, so when they get to college or out in world, they are better prepared to answer those with differing view points. I dropped the ball, but God is faithful and answer our prayers for you. We rejoice in the incredible woman He is shaping you into.

Brambleberry said...

You didn't drop the ball. And from here I can see that your prayers were what floated me through.

redeemed diva said...

AHHHHHHHHH! Seriously! AHHHHH! I adore that last bit! Adore it. It makes me who I am. Period. Yes!!!!! Thank you for so eloquently putting my thoughts together...once a gain. We share a brain I think! Wow. So good.
And wow, Dad! way to go on that last line of love and encouragement!

BK said...

Yes, isn't it funny how we can be talking to God saying "WHERE ARE YOU GOD" and yet we know He's listening??